Heart's Desire

Today is Teddy's birthday. Thirteen years ago at this time I was waiting. 

I wait still.

This child of mine has always been a challenge. He just sees the world a little differently than most kids his age. Last night, I snuggled in beside him (13!) for the tucking in. I was painfully aware of how little bedspace was left with both of us under his covers. No longer am I able to wrap him in my arms and whisper mother-dreams over him.

His feet are bigger than mine.

So, I lay beside him and contemplated how to grow with him; how to stay this close forever.

I remembered these words I penned a couple of years ago. They comforted me. I hope they bring some measure of joy to you as well.


September, 2008 

He wakes up, before sun’s light and in darkness heeds body’s call. Light spills into the hallway, underneath the crack in my door and, like a siren call, my eyes open.

I listen to padding feet, bustle of body, until the soft squeaks of the mattress signal he has returned to the land of dreams.

But I cannot, and so I rise.

I am thinking about how I learned to hear his movements in silence. How every stirring of his body incites readiness in mine.

Was it the infant cries that trained my sleeping brain to heed the soft noise of rustling blankets?

Or the many nights of childhood illness that kept me in wakeful slumber by his side?

Perhaps it was written on my heart from the beginning of time—this mother love.

I sleepwalk to our meeting place and ponder these things with The One I Love The Most.

Before I ask the question, I know the answer.

Is it this way for You? I muse.

And I know it is.

He is in a constant state of readiness for His children.

Watching as they sleep.

Hearing the padding footsteps as they choose the path they will walk.

Waiting for the voice to call in the night.

He is always ready.

I bend my head low and touch the floor with my forehead, overcome.

I reach out my hand to touch Him.

I know He is here.

Thank you, I whisper. Thank you.

I lift my head and see this crescent moon, a mere sliver of itself. It is lying on its back, smiling at me.

I smile back.

He knows how to stir my heart secrets. He waits with bated breath to do just that. He anticipates my face, waits to see me smile…longs for a deep-throated belly laugh.

This knowledge fills me up inside.

The knowledge of HIS mother-love. And in Him, we will always be bound.

Alone in the dark this morning, I found my heart’s desire.