You Are Fully Known

He left without saying goodbye this morning and I was devastated.

I cried a little. God filled His wineskin as the fullness of the past few days washed over me.

There hasn’t been time to breathe.

On my way home from work the other day, I realized I was holding my breath--my entire body locked up, tense and waiting. In ancient days, this stress response prepared one for whatever was necessary. Fight or flight they call it. But there I was, in rush hour traffic, flooded with stress hormones--poised for anything but going nowhere.

I forced air in and out of my lungs, deep and slow.

This isn’t living well, I thought.

Then there is this in my reading this morning: …I am fully known.

Paul said it.

Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

I thought of Caleb’s canvas and tried to muster some trust.

But I am just tired.

And I wonder to myself, how can You? How can You fully know and still be silent?

When the misunderstanding happened this morning, he didn’t know what the voices in my head were saying. He only knew in part.

We are as close as two people can be, yet…he does not fully know me.

And I do not fully know him.

But there is One who knows.

I chastise myself, tell me to be patient, pray for more faith…

But he left without saying goodbye this morning.

And I know something must change.

I am Jonah, crying out from the belly of the fish. I know this is a strange sort of rescuing, but it’s cold and dark and it stinks in here.

Jonah had issues, but from the belly of that fish, he offered up Psalms of praise to God.

Will I do the same?

I am fully known.

Do I trust these words? Do I trust the One who knows?

You are fully known.

There is so much pain in this crazy world. And I can’t even make it through the morning today. All that I know is I never want him to leave without kissing me goodbye again.

I never want it to be okay. Never want to be okay with that sort of thing.

So this is me. Crying out. Rescue, Lord. Rescue.

I’m singing this song, Lord. Forgive me.

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