"If I had a gun I would have already blown my head off."
The brutality of the words shock me. I never get used to hearing them. We’d had a nice conversation and this person was laughing and pleasant. But, when I ask point blank…this is the answer I am given.
"But…is there something that keeps you from doing that? Anything?" I ask.
Besides these four walls, that wheelchair, the weakness in your body…I think. We all know that for those earnest enough there is always a way. But that is not what I’m asking. I want to know where this person’s heart is. What is it that keeps it beating?
"Well, the good Lord says that He won’t give you anything more than you can stand. So I reckin’ He knows better than I."
So we talk. About prayer. About praise. About finding God in the ugly.
"We call it The Great Hunt for Beauty around here. It’s really a God-hunt. Can you find Him in all of this?"
I look deep into eyes that have been bled of any of the color they used to see through. They look back into mine. And for the first time, I see a spark.
"Because He’s here, I say. Oh, yes. He is in this."
We talk some more but soon it’s time to leave. When I stand up to brush by the wheelchair, there are suddenly arms around my waist. And they are hugging me hard. A face is buried in my skirt and I feel my heart lurch.
On the drive home I can’t stop thinking about it. The gratitude in that hug.
That person needed that reminder, Lord, I tell Him. To remember that you are in all of this.
And I think about the wellness of my body. How I run each day and lift and carry. My hands are strong, my eyes see fine. I am whole.
But I won’t always be this way.
And I wonder…will I be able to find the beauty?
Really, when you bury a child—or when you just simply get up every day and live life raw—you murmur the question soundlessly. No one hears. Can there be a good God? A God who graces with good gifts when a crib lies empty through lone nights, and bugs burrow through coffins? Where is God, really? How can He be good when babies die, and marriages implode and dreams blow away, dust in the wind? Where is grace bestowed when cancer gnaws and loneliness aches and nameless places in us soundlessly die, break off without reason, erode away. Where hides this joy of the Lord, this God who fills the earth with good things, and how do I fully live when life is full of hurt? How do I wake up to joy and grace and beauty and all that is the fullest life when I must stay numb to losses and crushed dreams and all that empties me out? (Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts)
When grief comes, do I live with hands clenched tight?
In the first chapter of her beautiful book One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live FullyRight Where You Are, Ann Voskamp makes me weep with the story of her beginnings. She makes me swoon with her lilting prose. But most of all, she challenges me.
From a family that is intimately acquainted with loss, Ann has the nerve—the compassion and heart—to tell her brother-in-law as he prepares to bury a second infant son…she says to him, “If it were up to me…I’d write this story differently.”
And even as she says the words she wants to take them back. Because we all know a good Christian wouldn’t say such a thing. We all know the lines to give in loss. But isn’t this what we really want?
We want to write our own story.
What He gives is not enough. We want more.
…Though I can hardly whisper it, I live as though He stole what I consider rightly mine: happiest children, marriage of unending bliss, long, content, death-defying days. I look in the mirror, and if I’m fearlessly blunt—what I have, who I am, where I am, how I am, what I’ve got—this simply isn’t enough…(Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts)
This is where we begin. But we won't be staying here. This awareness takes the author on a journey of self-discovery--and she invites us along. You might be surprised where this journey takes us. Come count the gifts with me. Accept the dare to an emptier, fuller life.
This is the first in a series on Ann Voskamp’s book One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right WhereYou Are. Join me this time next week for a reflection on Chapter two.
22 comments:
"This is where we begin. But we won't be staying here." Two powerful sentences in which there is so much hope, Laura! I look forward to hearing your heart-thoughts as you read.
So glad you're doing this, Laura!
And in answer to the age-old idea that God won't give you more than you can handle, I stand firmly with Wendell Berry's beloved character, Burley Coulter, who says, "He don't do any such of a damn thing." Amen! But he's still good.
My kids' youth group leader was trying to encourage me to persevere through some dark days during their teen years. She talked about her own children, now grown, and told me she had to learn that she was not the one writing their stories, and there were some chapters in there she wished had never been written. But they have been written by the hand of a good God. Ann's book is amazing. I read it slowly, savoring it. Your review makes me kinda want to go back and start over.
Oh I love that you're doing this on your blog! I have been throwing the idea of doing this book as our summer Bible study with some ladies I meet with every Monday.
Look forward to your input as your writing ALWAYS stirs up my heart.
Love you!
Lelia
This is good! I am thrilled you are going through the book by chapters. Your insights will make the richness there even richer. Anticipation! :)
I look forward to reading your thoughts on this book!
This spoke to me on many levels. My dad's days are now in a wheelchair. I'm watching his version of life change drastically.
I also thought of a student who intentionally injured himself in my classroom when I taught. The school ended up having a counselor meet with him at school, and he asked that I be present in the meetings as well. Though he was only 16, the pain of his life had drained his eyes the way you describe here. Your story of this encounter brought tears.
And I'm thankful to reconsider One Thousand Gifts. I read it slowly--but knew the whole time I still needed it to sink in deeper.
I bought this book a while back and couldn't make it past the first couple of pages. Today I read your post and it stirs in me to pull the book back out. I started reading and I wept and wept, and got angry and wept. Hmmmm....gotta love those God moments. It will be interesting to see what God does....I've discovered I have a mess of bitterness about something that seems so unfair. My logical spiritual understanding gets it...my heart is not yet there. So thankful God led you to share this.
These thoughts ... so well shared.
Will you be seeing this person again? Please tell him about strangers praying for strangers.
Blessings.
I just finished this book. I love to read, and I'm blessed with being able to read fast, but this book cannot be read fast. It simply can't. This book truly is a gift. Thank you, God, for Ann.
So thankful God gave you to that soul in that time and supplied the right words. May the Lord supply fresh hope for that weary one and encourage us all (me especially) to trust better that His story is better than ours.
Ditto to all the other comments that this is a book worthy of slow perusal. Good for you for offering it to your blog readers that way!
That book was awesome. It changed my perspective a little about how I look at things. I enjoyed reading this and the way you hooked me into the story was beguiling. I love it when God uses us as a vehicle for change, for encouragement.
So touching, Laura. Beautifully written.
Blessings,
Janis
"Because He’s here, I say. Oh, yes. He is in this."...
Laura, I'm thanking The GOD Who sees, that He helped you to peer deep and share what you saw with a hungry soul.
Ann's gift just keeps on blessing so many...thank YOU JESUS
Laura,
I wonder, sometimes, how tired your heart must be at the end of the day.....because it works SO HARD!
Bless you.
That this person knew you were safe to hug?
volumes.
So glad you kept speaking to the lady and she was able to embrace you and know that your love quieted her heart a bit. I look forward to your sharing Anns book and your thoughts intwined.
Sometimes it's enough just to survive, just to get through the next day.
You know that saying about God never giving us more than we can handle - I don't know who made that up, but I don't think it is accurate. We are amazingly resilient people, but there are times when it is too much. I have seen it in people. You may have too.
But we still must look for God in all things. And be present in it, too.
I think God would write the story differently too. I think we forget that sometimes, and try to put all the suffering into his hands, as if He has doled it out. No, I think He would write the story differently too...
Love you. :)
"We want to write our own story.
What He gives is not enough. We want more."
How often I have thought that same thing. But the wonderful thing is that I can come before his throne with confidence and lay my broken heart and broken words like this before Him and He shows me the way.
"This is where we begin. But we won't be staying here."
Praise Him! My story is not finished, because HE is writing it, not me.
Thank YOU so much for sharing this!
This book does indeed sound like a must-read! Thanks for the great review.Love your style of writing to.
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