I didn’t mean to forget. It’s not like me at all.
But there was that issue at work, and it was election day and I was sorting out who to vote for, and the boys were home by themselves and I was anxious about that, and I forgot to write it down in my planner—which is my brain—and, and, and…I just forgot.
So, when the message came—all angry and wounded—I was mortified.
I had hurt someone.
My carelessness had opened a wound. And I couldn’t take it back.
Some things just can’t be fixed, or at least it seems that way.
That's hard for a fixer-person like me. There’s a heartsick brokenness that comes with the realization that no matter how hard one tries, some mistakes won’t be forgiven, some pains will always ache, some holes cannot be filled.
It was visceral—this knowing what I’d done—I felt it in my gut. It’s not the first time I’ve felt this splakna—you know, that Greek word for compassion that means a stirring of one’s very inward parts. Jesus felt it.
When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. (Matthew 9:36-37).
I was sick with grief over the injury I’d caused. I asked forgiveness. But there was just…silence.
I told the boys about it on the way to school this morning. It’s something I’ve always done—share the soul thoughts with them. I used to wonder if it was a good thing—maybe they should see their mother as more together, or something. But these talks have taken us to some wonderful places. And they listen so well. So I poured out my sorrow.
“I messed up,” I said. “And now someone thinks I’m a bad person. It’s a terrible feeling…”
They nodded their heads in sympathy, as if they’ve been there—felt the splakna deep in their guts too—but it was what the little one said that shifted the weight off my heart a bit.
“Well, let’s pray about that, mom,” he said, without hesitation.
So we did.
I had prayed about it—alone. But something about sharing the words felt like laying it down. How light I felt, after. Something about my young one’s confidence…something about the quick way he jumped to that route.
Have you prayed with someone lately? Is it the same for you?
Because some things just can’t be fixed, or at least it seems that way. But there is One who can redeem it all.
With my sweet friend Jennifer today:
And Emily too: